DMM: Emotional Healing Discovered
Moving Toward Emotional Health excerpt from Stubborn Perseverance by James Nyman, available on Amazonsmile.com
Inne, Fatima, and Eka sat down in the living room. “We have
completed the Steps
to Freedom in Al Masih. Today I want to cover Toward Emotional Health.” Inne
excused herself and returned with a box of tissue that she placed in front of
Eka. “You might need this,” she said causally.
Eka felt a little apprehensive as she eyed the box of tissue, yet she knew that she could trust her friends. Inne is like the mother I never had—she always wants the
best for me. Besides, Fatima is here too. I can trust these two women.
“Many times, people are wounded in their childhood by things that
people say and do. These things leave lasting scars on our hearts and often
influence how we relate to others. These deep wounds express themselves mentally through
difficulty in concentrating and disturbing thoughts, emotionally through
hypersensitivity to comments from others, depression, or moodiness, or physically
through loss of appetite, headaches or ulcers.
“When someone didn’t receive love from their parents, often they
will seek love in inappropriate or even destructive ways. When someone
experienced a lack, they will often overcompensate to make up for that lack.
For example, if someone didn’t receive much attention when they were young,
they may try to be the center of attention when they become an adult. Healing
will require you to face the hurt, feel the pain, and release the wounding to
God. Hence the box of tissue.”
Inne reached over and tenderly stroked Eka’s arm. Eka felt
nauseated, with a knot growing in her stomach. Is
this the time to tell her my most closely guarded secret?
Inne handed a piece of paper to Eka. “On the top left, write
‘sorrows’ and on the top right, write ‘thankfulness.’ Now think about your
past, and write down everything you can think of under each heading.”
When Eka finished, she handed her paper to Inne.
Sorrows
|
Joys |
Abandoned and rejected
by dad
Shamed by mom
Ridiculed by friends at
school
Unprotected by teachers
at school
???
|
Opportunity to go to college
Met Inne
|
“These are deep wounds. They must cause you great pain.” Eka nodded. She could feel nervousness building up inside. “We will follow four steps in Toward
Emotional Health.
“The first step is Recognize.
Here you remember all the details or facts about the event as well as your
feelings, such as what you felt then and now toward the people who hurt you,
the ones who didn’t help you, the situation, yourself, and God.
“The second step is Repent.
No matter how difficult, you must forgive the people who hurt you, take
responsibility for your own wrong thoughts, attitudes, and actions, and under
certain conditions apologize to those you have hurt.
“The third step is Renew
your mind by renouncing lies you have believed about yourself, the situation,
and God—especially lies about His goodness. You must replace these lies with
truth from God’s word.
“The fourth step is to Receive
God’s touch, and to thank and worship Him.”
Eka nodded that she understood and was ready to start. One by
one, they discussed each of the items Eka listed under Sorrows.
Coming to the final entry on the left, Inne probed further. “What
do the three question marks mean?”
Eka took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She glanced over at
Fatima, who was smiling warmly at her. Eka knew she was praying for her. “Do
you remember when I told you that the police just released my mom when she was
in prison for stealing?”
“Yes.”
“Well there is more to the story. One day when I brought food to
my mom, the policeman who arrested her told me that there was a way to make all
of her charges go away. I said, ‘Can you help me?’ Remember, I was a naïve
fourteen year old. The policeman led me to the back of the police station and
into a small room. There was a desk on one side and a mattress on the other. He
closed the door and locked it. ‘Take off your clothes and lay there’ he said,
pointing to the mattress. He raped me. Then he said, ‘Get dressed. If you say
anything about this to anyone, I know where you live. I will come and kill your
mom in front of your eyes.’
“I felt violated and dirty. I thought ‘How could anyone love me?’
When I came here to college, I wanted nothing to do with guys. I hated men, yet
I craved their attention. I met a guy and he seemed to like me. He pressured me
to sleep with him, so I did. For a moment I felt close to him, but then I hated
him and myself. Not long afterwards he dumped me.
“From that point on, I felt lucky if a guy would give me
attention. Word got out that I was ‘easy.’ Soon lots of guys were paying
attention to me, but as soon as they got me into bed they left me. They
pretended they didn’t even know me. I’ve never told anyone this secret.”
Eka leaned forward in her chair,
grasped her stomach as if in pain, and started to weep uncontrollably.
Shame, anger, and regret crashed upon her like a tsunami. Then she fell to the
floor and curled up in a fetal position, and wept and groaned with deep
agonizing groans. Inne slipped out of her chair and pulled Eka close to her.
Eka buried her face in Inne’s chest. Inne just held her tightly and whispered,
“It’s OK. It’s OK. Cry all you want.”
Inne stroked Eka’s hair like a mom strokes the hair of a young
child who has just fallen down. Eventually Eka stopped crying. The burden of
concealing this secret had finally been lifted. For a moment she felt relieved,
but then the realization of her sinful responses to what she had suffered
gripped her with a new and heavier burden. Raw emotions of self-loathing and condemnation
overwhelmed her. Feelings of uncleanness and unworthiness which she had long
tried to suppress brought forth despair, helplessness and hopelessness. She
thought with horror, Will Inna reject me now that
she knows my secret? Will I lose the one true friend I have?
Inne looked reassuringly into
Eka’s tear-stained eyes, melting Eka’s fears.
“Do you want to stop for today, or do you want to go on?”
“Can I go to the bathroom first?”
Inne pointed toward the bathroom. “Well, of course.”
Eka emerged ready to proceed. “I’ve been carrying that burden for
far too long. I want to be free.”
“As I said before, we use a four step process of healing. The
first step is Recall,
which you have just done in remembering this place of excruciating pain and
wounding as well as your feelings. What else did you feel?”
“I felt used up and discarded like an old rag. Because I felt
unworthy of love and respect, I let guys sleep with me.”
“The second step is Repent.
What that policeman did to you and the ways the guys used you are absolutely
wrong. They are evil and inexcusable, but you must choose to forgive.”
Instantly Eka’s mind was bombarded with thoughts. Her whole body
convulsed at the thought of forgiving that policeman. Then she blurted out,
“Forgive! After all that he did to me? Never! I hope he burns in Hell!”
Eka crossed her arms insolently and stared straight ahead. A minute passed. Then two. The clicking of an oscillating fan
filled the silence.
Then in a quiet yet firm voice, Inne
said again, “Do you want to be free?” Inne reached over with her finger
and tucked Eka’s hair behind her ear. Impulsively, Eka slapped her hand away in
anger and then crossed her arms again.
More minutes passed with only the fan making a noise. Eka
defiantly stared straight ahead. She swallowed hard but said nothing.
Fatima prayed.
With her arms still crossed, Eka turned slowly toward Inne. “I
don’t feel like forgiving.”
“Of course you don’t. You’ll never feel like forgiving.
Forgiveness is a choice.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Is your way working?”
“What do you mean?” Eka snapped.
“Can you get rid of the anger and bitterness?”
“No.”
“No one is pushing you. You can stay angry and bitter. Maybe,
today is not the day you want to deal with this wounding. Perhaps, you don’t
really want to be free.”
Eka exploded. “Of course I want to be free, but he doesn’t
deserve forgiveness!”
“You’re right. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Forgiveness is not
about them. It is about you! This policeman hurt you many years ago, but he is
still hurting you today. You are angry and bitter. When you forgive him, you
don’t release him from punishment. You turn him over to God who will judge him
with perfect justice. You may not see His judgment, but you can be assured God
will punish him in His way and in His timing. He will not escape God’s
judgment.”
Eka bit her bottom lip, wanting God to punish the policeman now.
“Forgiveness is accepting onto yourself the consequences of
someone else’s sin. You choose to forgive him so you can be free from the
anger, bitterness and hate. Look at what the anger is doing to you. Your mind
races with uncontrollable thoughts while your anger and bitterness churn
within. You lash out at your friends and drive them away. Is this how you want
to live? There is a better way.”
Tears welled up in Inne’s eyes. She wanted this dear one whom she
loved so much to be free of the pain, but she understood the struggle within to
forgive this monstrous evil.
Everything in Eka screamed that it wasn’t fair. Every fiber of
her being cried out for revenge, but Eka could see that Inne was right. This
policeman was still hurting her. Six years had passed, and not a day went by
that she didn’t think about that horrible event. She was filled with anger and
hate. She felt unlovable and unworthy. Half the time she didn’t even like
herself. She couldn’t relate to guys in a healthy manner, and she drove her
friends away with her outbursts of anger. She really did want to be free. This is so hard!
By a sheer act of her will, Eka declared, “I’m ready to forgive.”
“I don’t want to rush you. Before you forgive you must feel the
full weight of the hurt. You must also realize that you are suffering due to
someone else’s sin. In this way, you are like Isa. He never sinned, so He was
innocent. Yet He died on the cross for man’s sins. In doing so, He took upon
Himself the sins of others. The sins of the policeman have already been laid
upon you. You must accept that you can’t change the past. What you can change
is the future. When you forgive this policeman you choose to not seek revenge
upon him, although the government may prosecute him according to the law, and
you release him to God’s judgment. Are you sure you are ready?”
“He’s hurt me for too long. I want to be free. I’m ready to
forgive.”
“OK. Prayer is talking to God from the heart. Use your own words.
Even when you don’t make sense, your loving heavenly Father understands.”
“’Oh God, What the policeman did to me was wrong and
indefensible. He is not worthy of forgiveness. For that matter I’m not worthy
of forgiveness, but Isa Al Masih forgave me. Now I see that forgiveness is the
only way I can be free. I choose to forgive the policeman. I release him to
You, believing that You will punish him with perfect justice. In Isa’s name.
Amen.”
Inne continued working through the steps. “Forgiving others is
part of repentance. The other part is taking responsibility for your own wrong
thoughts, attitudes, and actions that have arisen due to what happened to you.”
“I understand. I’ve carried bitterness, anger, and hate in my
heart toward that policeman. I’ve had evil thoughts of torturing that policeman
until he begs for mercy from me and then watching him die a slow and painful
death. He stole from me what he had no right to steal, my virginity.
“I allow guys to disrespect me when I let them sleep with me.
“I’m quick to get angry at my friends now and I say all kinds of
cruel and ugly things to them. I know that I’m not angry at them. I understand
now that I lash out at them because I have this deep-seated anger at the
policeman. This anger spills out at the people around me. I even made a vow
which I shouldn’t have.”
“It is understandable that you have those thoughts, feelings, and
actions,” Inne replied compassionately. “Are
you ready to confess them, ask God for forgiveness, and ask for His help to
change?”
Eka nodded yes and prayed, “Gracious heavenly Father. I confess
that I am trapped in anger, bitterness and hatred. I confess that I say all
kinds of cruel things to my friends. I confess that I explode over the
slightest thing. Would You forgive me? Would you help me to change? Amen.”
“1 John 1:9 says, ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and
righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’
Based on this verse, I’m sure God forgives you.”
Eka burst out crying again, but not from pain. These were tears
of relief that a crushing burden had been lifted from her shoulders. They were
tears of joy in the freedom of forgiveness. They were tears of gratitude at the
love of Isa flowing into her and cleansing all the filth away. They were tears
of triumph and victory. They were tears of celebration and hope.
Again, Inne slipped her arm around Eka’s shoulders. Now all three
women were crying and wiping the tears from each other’s eyes.
“The final part of repentance is to apologize to the people you
have wronged; however, you don’t apologize to people directly if they can still
hurt you emotionally or physically. Can you apologize to the people that you
have wronged?”
“Yes. I can do that.”
“Maybe, we should take a break before we continue.”
“I’d like that.”
Eka stood and walked to the front porch. She moved her head from
side to side to stretch out her neck, and rolled her arms and shoulders. Just
then a little bird flew down from a nearby tree and landed in the yard in front
of Eka. It picked up a small piece of trash and flew away. That bird just took
away the trash. That is like what God just did. He carried away the trash in my
life! She smiled, and a new hopefulness welled up in her. Her life could be
different, and she was on the right path.
Eka went back inside and sat down next to Inne. “The third step
in Toward
Emotional Health is Renew
the mind. In this step we both renounce the lies of the evil one—especially
lies about God’s goodness—and replace the lies with truth from the Scriptures.
Can you think of some lies you have believed?”
“I was to blame. I am unworthy of love. I can never be happy. God
abandoned me.”
“Now replace those lies with the truth; in other words, reclaim
the ground which formerly had been given over to the evil one.”
“I did nothing wrong when the policeman raped me. I was just a
young girl trying to help her mother. I thought you could trust policemen. I’ve
always felt that I was somehow to blame, but now I know that isn’t the case.
“God has made me new. Nothing is beyond His forgiveness. Because
I am valuable in God’s eyes, I have worth no matter what happened to me. I can
have a meaningful relationship with a guy which isn’t based on sex.”
“I hope you hear what you are saying. Those truths are so
powerful.”
“Now it’s time to look at the thankfulness side of your paper.
Maybe you want to add a few more things to your list.”
“I do. I’m thankful that I lived and the policeman didn’t kill
me. I’m thankful that I met you, Inne. I’m thankful that God loves me
unconditionally, and that I am valuable and worthy in His eyes. I’m thankful
that He heals all my pain and gives me hope for a better life.”
“That’s beautiful. Now that your eyes have been opened, you’ll
want to add to your list as you see more ways that God has helped you. I
probably don’t have enough paper in this house to write down all of God’s
goodness to you!”
Eka, Inne and Fatima looked at each other and laughed. The
laughter felt good—really good.
“The fourth step in Toward
Emotional Healthiness is Receive
God’s touch, then respond to Him in thankfulness and worship. This looks
different for each person because each person’s pain is different. God knows
just how to speak to us because He knows us so well, so talk to Him and listen
to what He says.”
“I don’t know what to say. I’m just a brand new believer!” Eka protested.
“Remember, you are talking to a God who is the perfect parent.
Just speak from the heart. Tell Him what you have learned about yourself and
your situation. Tell Him what lies you assumed and restate the truths you now
believe. Express your sadness at all the years spent in anger and bitterness
and how grateful you are to be finally free. Review how He sees you as His
beautiful daughter and express your gratitude that
He is your heavenly Father. Tell Him other things you are thankful for.
When you are ready, start talking to Him.”
“O God, this is Eka and I really don’t know what to say, but I’ll
try. I am so thankful …”
After Eka finished praying, Inne said, “Keep your eyes closed,
Eka, and focus on God. Your heavenly Father is deeply pleased by your honesty
and that you poured out your heart to Him. It gives Him great pleasure when His
children come to Him in this way. Let’s simply be quiet in his presence now.
God often responds by giving us a verse or image. I’m going to play a worship
song. Just listen to the words and dwell in God’s presence.”
As the song finished, Eka said, “This verse just came into my
mind ‘You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle.’” [1]
“That is so like God. He is near to us, so near that He collects
every tear and saves them in a bottle. Have you ever thought about that? When
you wept, you were not alone. God was right there with you.”
Eka was very peaceful, sitting in the chair with her eyes closed,
breathing calmly. “When we took a break, I went outside and saw a bird come
down in your yard and carry away a piece of trash. I felt like that is what God
has done for me—He has carried away my trash. I can still see the bird in my mind,
but as it flies higher and higher it is getting smaller and smaller. I feel
like God is saying to me that the initial healing has begun but that complete
healing will take time. It won’t disappear overnight.”
“You’re right. It is important for you to talk with other wise
and mature people who can counsel you. They will help you unlearn unhealthy
patterns and learn constructive ways to handle negative emotions. The healing
has begun, but the deeper the wound, the longer it takes to be completely healed.
“It is also important to remember that forgiving is not
forgetting. You will remember what the policeman did to you for the rest of
your life. But over time the emotional intensity will decrease. For a while you
will still feel great emotion when you think of that event. But as you walk out
truth and victory you will be able to think of that event without feeling the
intense emotion. Is there anything else that God is speaking to you?”
“I see Isa on the cross. He is bleeding from His head and His
back. He is struggling to breath and suffering horribly. I see angels all
around ready to rescue Him, awaiting His command,
but He says nothing. He continues to endure His affliction.
“Now I see Him crying out, ‘It is finished’ and His head falls
forward lifelessly. I understand Isa’s death on the cross in a way I never have
before. He willingly suffered and died even though He was innocent. He
understands what it means to be rejected, humiliated and left alone. He
empathizes with me because He went through suffering far worse.
“Now, I see Isa after His resurrection. He is standing over me,
clothed in a dazzling white robe. I have fallen to my knees with my face to the
ground and I’m trembling all over. He takes my hand and lifts me to my feet.
His hand takes my chin and lifts it up so I’m looking into His radiant eyes.
“I hear His words, ‘You did not choose Me, but I chose you and
appointed you that you should bear fruit and that your fruit should remain.
Whatever you ask of the Father in My name He will give you.[2]
You did not choose this pain, but I chose you because I knew you would be
shaped by it. Suffering is a gift. It is the pathway to deep levels of joy and
satisfaction. I have invited you to follow this pathway because I knew this
suffering wouldn’t be wasted on you. You will allow this pain to mold you into
a tender, compassionate, and understanding person. That is why I chose you and
appointed you to be My hands and feet. The world is filled with people who have
suffered indescribable agonies. It needs people like you who will be agents of
healing. Rise up, dear one. There is much work to be done.’
“Now He is pulling me to His chest. His strong arms are holding
me close. I have never felt so safe or so loved. Now the image is fading. I
want to hold on, but it is leaving.”
Eka opened her eyes. Her face full of joy and contentment.
“What do you understand about that image?”
Eka blinked as if awakening from a deep sleep. “Isa understands my pain because He Himself
suffered terribly. He also said suffering is a gift when someone submits to God
and allows Him to use the pain to mold them into a caring and kind person. He
chose me because He knew I would be transformed by the suffering and not
defeated by it. Isa told me that He wants to use me in others’ lives.”
“I believe He does too.”
“One final thing as you leave: expect the evil one to pelt you
with thoughts that you were just kidding yourself and that you will never be
free. Recognize those thoughts as coming from the pit of Hell. Renew your mind
with the truths that you know. Being thankful for God’s goodness also helps you
defeat these thoughts from the evil one.”
Discussion questions and application
1.
Recall
involves remembering trauma details and naming feelings. If you have
experienced trauma, have you been honest about how you felt then and still feel
now?
2.
Have you felt disappointed with God? Have you
expressed your feelings to Him? You haven’t hidden anything from Him. He
already knows everything, so you can be honest with Him.
3.
Repent
has several parts. First we forgive. What reasons are given for forgiving
others in this chapter? How do you answer the statement, “He doesn’t deserve to
be forgiven?” Does your forgiveness release the person from the laws of the
government or from God’s justice? Is there any other way to be free from deep
emotional hurt besides forgiveness?
4.
Repentance also means taking responsibility for
our actions, thoughts, and attitudes. When others sin against us, we often
respond in sinful ways. How do you see this in Eka’s life, and in your own?
5.
Inne said that Eka should apologize to people
she has wronged but she said in some cases you don’t apologize directly.
Discuss when it is appropriate to go directly to the person and when this is
inadvisable.
6.
Renew
means renouncing lies and replacing them with truth. What lies had Eka
believed, and with what truth did she replace those lies? In what ways have you
doubted God’s goodness? How has this chapter helped you?
7.
Receive
is the step of accepting God’s touch. What did you learn about how God sees
you? What can you be thankful for?
8.
What else did you learn from this chapter about
the process of Toward Emotional
Health?Do you have wounds from your past that need healing? Ask your spiritual mentor to help you. See
Appendix F for guidance.
9.
Identify what you believe God wants you to do in
the next 24–48 hours from what you learned
in this chapter.
10. Ask
God to heal those you know have had trauma, heartbreak, a difficult childhood,
fractured relationships or emotional pain.
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